04.22.09

So I got to get planning.

Well maybe decide first.  

God dammit.  Because I know how hard it is to die, how hard it is to plan to die, what I’m messing with here, i keep pushing it off- even thinking about a fool-proof plan this time.  I think deep down I’m scared that if i really start thinking about it, it’ll make more and more sense NOT to do this.  I will stare at Logic straight in the face and both of us will know at heart that I don’t have enough reason to end my life, that the few speckles of insecurities are being blown out of proportion with the right dose and timing of self loathing and just... lack of faith in general.  

I’m home for the next two days.  It might be a good idea to think all of this shit through in this setting.  When I’m not alone in my apt.   I usually feel just as alone in my room at home, but at least it’s a closed private space with my parents literally just outside the door.  Tomorrow... I’ll do it tomorrow.  Ah fuck.  

04.25.09

Nothing.  I want to be nothing, right now... I’m despicable.. and hungry.