I haven't yet decided if I'm going to delete all of the accounts I have or not. Would they be discovered? It concerns me because I was never consistent in writing, and should they be found after I go, whomever's left to read them definitely isn't going to get the right idea. There's no way he/she/they will see the full picture or anything remotely close to it.

But then again... what does it matter. No one really knew me anyway, when I was living.

And half the shit in here is about him, since most of the times I ever updated I was still in the slightly manic state before or after our encounters. It's just one aspect of my life, the part where I'm "learning" about "relationships" and "lessons". All that bull. I do sincerely hope that soon, he changes his mind, puts aside his pride, and really chooses to embrace himself... I don't believe him and his outward ego. He thinks his self mockery is some way of showing how he's comfortable enough to make fun of himself, but there's a difference between being comfortable with one's identity and having respect for himself. With Isaac I don't see any of the latter, unfortunately... I don't know why, and I don't get why he digs himself further into this hole he knows isn't healthy for him. He's so loving of the people he cares about- why doesn't he do the same for himself?

Anyway.

I'm dreading the note. Writing that takes fucking forever- I have to read it and edit it for days because every time, I want to add/remove, and even in the end when i've run out of time, i'm not satisfied with it. It's not like there are sources that can give me tips on this kinda shit.

What scares me the most about suicide- is not what's to happen to me after, or the pain i may be in if i'm not completely successful. What scares the shit out of me is the possibility of having a prolonged negative impact on Jocelyn, Cathy... dan. These people that I've gotten so intimate with in the past three-four years. Even the ones that I haven't contacted in recent months but hold a firm place in my heart. From beginning to end, I'm no good.