This is it

I ran away. Some people on xanga that I know in real life are censoring me and I don't want to be censored on my own private blog. Well, private on its own terms, but still, what's the damn point if I'm being selective of what I say? Defeats the whole 'anonymity' of it. I started another blog separate from this one in attempt to keep things chronologically organized but eh... way too many pages floating around, this time defeating the 'logging' aspect of it. I think I suck at blogging.

So anyway, I ran away. Or moved on?

I'm really confused about where I stand right now and what exactly made me change my mind about the various morbid plans I had. Was it meeting David, or was it my plan all along to find an excuse before the end of December '09 so I don't have to follow through? Is this really "hope" I have left for my life or is this "fear" of running across the highway? I've been avoiding contemplating this and distracting myself for the past month... it's about time I get things organized, choose a direction, and commit myself to it. I can't say right now that I don't have suicide as the best backup plan right now- I really can't. It's been a part of me for such a long time and it's worked. It's such a cowardly but easy way out to avoid failure.

I don't know.

A small part of me though.. way down in there somewhere, I have this sad, dire hope that I'll ... be okay one of these days. I'll stop wanting to stab, cut, mutilate myself to death so fucking badly and want to LIVE.