i made odeng-gook aka fishcake soup. the latter sounds fucking nasty so i’m gonna call it odeng-gook. “fishcake” makes me think of fillets of fish sandwiched between layers of angelfood cake with tarter sauce as frosting. i wish i could somehow bring some to chapter tom because i know my psisters are bananas ab korean grub. easy recipe: boil “dashima” flakes with water, remove and discard the flakes, add soy sauce, salt, pepper, fishcakes, onions, bring to another boil, and add finely chopped green onions last minute. it’s a plain, clean soup so all ingredients should be chopped cleanly and in uniform or it’ll look like “dog shit” as my grandparents would put it lol.

why does J. keep fucking messaging me??? does this guy have even the tiniest bit of man-MIMICKing dignity? i feel obligated to answer him because i know for a fact that he sincerely cares. but come on.... i get that he only had one previous girlfriend, and that it was a dysfunctional relationship, but i’m starting to think that it was dysfunctional for primarily his faults, not her open vagina. he’s honest and naive, qualities i embodied up until Asshole i think. [i refer to 203498 people as Asshole, but i figure you will get who i’m referring to through context]

i’m still both of those things, but i’ve stopped expecting any form of reaction in my favor. i claimed that i didn’t in the past, but in retrospect it’s very clear to me that i totally fucking did. when someone would disagree or send me black arrows for the bitchy blunt sharing of mis opiniones, i’d tense up, get defensive, sad, hurt, and/or just judge them estupido and move on in the blink of an eye. after the lavish front, i'd go alone with my oh so tender feelings and berate myself for not being more patient, wise, embracing, "merciful". it's really not a matter of what exactly the statement was about- it's my reaction to all those external things that fill in the space under that circumstance. fortunately, through meeting too many people and being thrown into too many different environments, i changed. this is how i can detect bullshit reactions in a matter of seconds- been there done that... and this is how i am proud of myself in a minor way because i see it as my building confidence in myself and trusting that my say is worthwhile, at least to me.

man, what a loser beta-female thing to say. sucks. -____- i wanna be alpha-femme like jocelyn..

james popping up on my feed makes me gag.
still haven’t contacted him since i’ve been back. eh......ehhhhh......
and why hasn’t L called yet?
is grass really always greener on the other side??
my side has potential, i just sprinkled glitter all over it. *prays*

i have many reasons why i’m constantly involving myself with guys.
fill the void, it’s lonely downtown.
to eat out more, gain some weight, save some money.
the more flavors i try, the more i get curious ab the ones i haven’t tried yet. flavors as in personality types, bitches.
show Andy and Asshole that it was their loss by scoring someone awesome and showing them bliss. Andy gave up on me, wasn’t a risk taker, ran away, whatever. even though i really tried harder each day to not to get “grossed out” by him, it burned me to the nth degree that he actually decided that the aftermath upon me, of being “dumped” while half-conscious, was dispensable & dismissible if it meant that he wouldn’t have to deal with a possibly messy breakup while he was on another continent/could roam around free where options were plenty/deal with his fucking parents that weren’t happy with my un-well-being. holy shittake! and then Asshole rejected me, i wasn’t good enough for him to change. first let down, first rejection, so i think i’m taking it hard =/
availability.. honestly, they’re everywhere. boys, men, manchildren, fobs, 2nd generations, randos, bisexuals, pimps, millionaires, dishwashers, in cali, in chitown, in ny, even canada... EVERYWHERE, all in my grip. i kid.

i wish school would start next week. i never look forward to breaks because i don’t know what to do with all this time.. i even paint more when i’m BUSY bc it’s that release.

yet, i fear that my body won’t keep up with me. last semester, i would skip classes because i got so tired from my blood sugar dropping after getting ready... many a-mornings i got up, showered, put on my makeup, and was in the middle of blowdrying my hair when i would suddenly get lightheaded then dizzy as my arms and feet would cramp up and my veins would all pop out green. fucking gross... & i’d rather do make-up work than to pass out in front of these art chicks who try to be depressed, suicidal, anorexic, and moody. *shutter* so i’d stay home. these dumb young bitches that still have blood on their scalps from being birthed don’t know just what kind of fire they’re playing with bc they only see what they choose to see.

why does my free-write always come back to my ed and suicide? it’s a big ginormous part of my life currently but shoot. ...

i can’t wait to see sisters tomorrow. i really REALLY look forward to it, i was explaining to one of my nurses that i couldn’t be “admitted” to the hospital bc 1. insurance companies don’t always do what they say they’ll do and 2. i have an important “appointment” the evening of that i need to make. i reallyyyyy wanted to see everyone but when i got home, i couldn’t get myself to shower again and put makeup on... sorry for the bail, kittens :(