"Everything happens for a reason?
No... only in retrospect. "

i'd have to agree. i mean i do believe in destiny- but how one gets there isn't predetermined. events can only be rationalized by events that follow according to the specific choices that one makes... so no i don't believe in "x happened bc y was going to happen afterward". people often want to say this to validate some happy-go-lucky resolution but i think life's just a big shitty mess of confusing out of control curve balls.

i just happened to cross this quote by one of my favorite authors.

"(A)lthough I am doing in this line something of far-reaching scientific importance I sometimes feel like a drunkard who in his moments of lucidity realizes that he is missing all sorts of wonderful opportunities." from Lolita, Validimir Nabokov.

the fainting, the heart attacks, and then now this acid episode. i wonder if death's finally happening as i've wished for so long in the past. just when i have this new seed of hope to admit failure and try to move on... believing in the possibility of peace in my mind, is when i can ask that question as a matter of fact-ly, without any drama.

i'm not sad. i didn't cry for any other reason but that the periodic acid releases were fucking painful, and i was clutching onto my stomach like those bad actresses on Lifetime movies that have utterly predictable miscarriages in their carpeted living rooms. i literally crawled out of the elevator and across the lobby of my building on all fours to get outside to a cab, with the fucking moronic night doorman staring at me like =O this, and when i got to the emergency room, i waited for 45 minutes cryinggg and cryinggg in the waiting area, yet focused on watching some zena/hercules thing that was on tv. when i got into the emergency room and the butch nurse named "trish" was done taking eight flippin viles of blood, i was given shots of morphine that gave me a whirl in the head, a cool spinning motion that totally put me at ease and rid of whatever the hell was going on inside my estomago convinced this is the exact reason why junkies are obsessed with this stuff. freakin omazing! i also had two EKGs done which was mortifying.. in order to monitor the heart, wires are placed around the heart aka left bewb by attaching the wires to magnetic stickers placed around the chest area and all four arms/legs. in attempt to remove the stickers after the test without peaking at my a-cup lady lumps, the amature male nurse accidentally grabbed my nipple instead of the sticker-tab. MORTIFYING. i blushed reaccounting the event just now.

i'm not sad. i'm just going to walk away from this like it was just an extra high speed bump on the road that i didn't have a chance to slow down for.