so for about ten days, i'm waiting and biting my nails despite it never being my 'nervous behavior' ever because L isn't calling me to take me out to Blackbird or ice skating as he'd promised after a questionable "haha (dot dot dot)" response. he sounded genuine and easy going- super laid back.

and then the last three days i've been talking to him on and off on the phone, bbm, and chat after he finally messaged me. since, i've lost the desire to meet up with him and let him take me out.

what the hell??

in a way im just chicken. i don't want to put myself in a position to be rejected and told that i'm not good enough- or even worse, let myself be my own honest judge and acknowledge this sad sad truth. on the other hand, he's just lost that sixth factor that screws a lot of people over. so much of this dating scene is about the chase and the game- and often times i don't even realize that i've been playing the game myself all along until i've already made significant progress... dirty, i don't like it. it makes things confusing. did i want a chance with him because i really thought he was special/compatible with me, or did i want him because i knew he was well established, pretty good looking, older, mature, korean? because i've seen a picture of his drop dead gorgeous ex-girlfriend and fantasized that i could possibly measure up to that other woman?

is this why i keep thinking of Asshole, and then cognitively going through steps in my head to talk myself out of calling him up? with him i know i'm better. i know im too good for him. i'm sad, but i'm struggling to walk in the right direction- unlike him who is deliberately walking in the wrong one.
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I'm staring at my buttercups. I'm waiting for them to wilt.