i had to delete them. constantly seeing his face/icon whenever i opened messages and it would piss me off.


i hope he understands.
It didn't make sense to me until i wrote back to him actually- i just kept talking shit and calling him a deranged psycho, feeling extremely frustrated and almost.. invaded. the fact that he kept knocking on my door - even though i had just as much choice to not answer, i still felt like his interrupting my life with the knocks... his leaving me no choice but to open yet another inbox with his thoughts that he never ever hesitated to so openly 'share' with me, was passive aggressively leaning on me, getting what he wants, letting out his frustration and angst at MY expense. why? i don't fucking owe him anything. how dare he?

but i know he doesn''t mean to be inconsiderate or taking advantage of my role. which is why i wrote back to him this time around. how he takes the message in- i'm relieved to say that i'm totally apathetic. julie was right, people can be kind, giving, merciful, yet still emotionally selfish and completely oblivious to their manipulations.

my, have i changed.
suddenly, i'm in full gear, armored in iron, sword in hand.
nothing's all that credible to me anymore. not words, not actions.. i respond however i want to, nothing's that big of a fucking deal anymore. the only thing that i take seriously are things involved with the handful of people i hold close to my heart.
when did i transform this way?

L said to me, "be nice yoon. be nice."
"am i mean?"
"just be nice."
".... im a hair's width away from being offended"
"something or things in your past have made you bitter. and harsh.
but you're being honest and straightforward, which i appreciate. it's refreshing."
"okay"
"people are just people, yoon"

... uh i didn't know how to respond to that because that's what i'd been saying often for the past year... people are just people.
did i lose sight of that? is there any grace and/or mercy left in me?

man why did i start writing this right now, now i feel like shit all over again. lol pain and gain of writing from a stream of consciousness i guess.