sometimes i get sick of being the soulmate "boyfriend" in relationships. the whole 'becoming the bigger person so i am capable of embracing the whole package' thing, endless patience and limitless expansion of the ''heart'' and ''faith'' thing, giving and expecting nothing in return, always giving them the benefit of the doubt as a first reaction when any discrepancy surfaces.... i want to stay that way bc of course striving to be this kind of person who always tries to give and be the being the best person for that particular other is... a good thing. it makes a good friend a great one. i want to be a great friend. it's effortless with ones i truly love and value the friendship i have with and want things to stay that way.

but i'm not god, im not your dad, i'm a friend... so after years of that and meager reciprocation, it starts to get to me.
i haven't responded to j yet, not out of spite, but out of more respect for myself that she's yet to give me. i'm not retarded.

i've come across very few that go to that extra step, to care with a little bit more depth and heart...
one was a male- and i wonder if he's one that i should have held on to.