December 19, 2008
Ah. I'm afraid.
I don't know if this is going to change things between what Isaac and I were decidedly going to be, if anything at all. Does fucking around count as "hanging out" too?
My gut feeling tells me that the real and sensitive human side of him that he tries so hard to crush and evaporate is what's drawing me to him. He knows that I've cared for some reason he's scared to admit. He knows that it's really just horribly fucked up and wrong to be cruel to a girl who's already put her pride out there, just OUT there on a silver fucking platter for him to destroy if he wished. Though I don't think he'd consciously do that since I did date Andy, and out of the slightest respect he has for Andy, i doubt he'd do something drastic to ruin me. Behind the drunkard, he must have recognized my concern for him, he just have sensed my looking out for his well being for no reason at all. In fact, at my expense. I am clearly risking both rejection and humiliation; yet with no rationale, I'm going through with my inclinations....
The only thing I can think of to excuse my stupidity is my faith in people. I believe that Isaac is hurting and confused. And I believe with all that heart inside of him, he wouldn't purposely harm me. I've seen it through him actually responding back and making an effort to take me aside to talk- although the topic of discussion was 'you're crazy, this shouldn't be happening'. So maybe that's why I'm pushing his buttons, in the tenderest way, forcing him to feel the warmth that he probably doesn't think he deserves. When I brought him liquids and medicine for his virus, he must have felt something. When I cooked for him after deliberately flaking on dinner, he must have felt something. Russian Poetry... interest in him. He's still human. He knows I'm not a dumbass and finds it intriguing that I "must see something in him" if it hasn't stopped for such a long time without any reciprocation.
But he doesn't know me he says, the "physical attraction is there" but he doesn't know me. "I wont stop you", but doesn't believe that I really thought about this. In a way he seems to be looking out for me- he's not one to commit, and he's scared too. He's scared that he'll end up falling for me and have that guilt and drama when he fucks up, he's scared to put forth the energy and heart to make that promise to be faithful.
He came to me last night. He was in need of something unidentifiable and he came to me. He was out somewhere downtown, drunk at a holiday party with his coworkers and of course at an open bar, he's going to take full advantage of the situation to self-destruct and detach. And the way he describes his work environment and his coworkers, it's not that he finds them lame as a bunch of nerdy "tools". He must feel... a step lower than the rest, almost pointless, just because he is there and not elsewhere writing his essay or novel. He keeps to himself because he knows his persona will shock them. Ironically, that persona is a persona in itself. God he tries so damn hard, what made him become this? So they were at free-for-all bar where he downed a bottle of whiskey by himself in the span of a couple hours... The fucktards refused to drive Isaac to his car, parked at the first bar that they'd stopped by, because he was too drunk. So he ran to his car, about a mile away. He ran to his car in the snow, a mile away, brain full of a bottle of poison. It breaks me to think of him running that mile by himself, alone, in a t-shirt, light hoodie, and a windbreaker, alone, in the freezing temperatures. He asked me to help him get home and I thought he was already with his bros drinking at the house, but he was serious I'd later find out? And he calls, asking me to use the the bathroom at my place. I made him lay down, got him water, and attended to his whiskey induced misery the best I could, stunned and confused all the while that he decided to used MY bathroom out of all places. I think it's pretty self-explainatory that he needed and wanted to be taken care of, and he knew in this drunken state that that's what he'd get if I were by him.
Dr.Lidsky mentioned something last week that stuck. "Marriage is of healing. Partners engage in matrimony to be the foundation for growth, forward and upwards".
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