Limbo

I fucking pray for my own apocalypse this year.

Instead of creating a list of things I'm supposed to accomplish in the next 365 days, I find it easier to be the cynic in bed scorning the fools that actually believe that this list will motivate them to be "better people" throughout the new year. I think this kind of renovation is crap. Just as "holidays" are needed to celebrate families and friends coming together to "love one another", Jesus's birthday, resurrection, and everything else in between forgotten, all of it is crap. The first of the new year is only another day in the calendar with not just one, but four different numbers: 12.31.xxx? to 01.01.xxx(x+1). I think when people reach a certain age, the uselessness of compiling these lists should have become apparent- unless he's one of the rare ones that do benefit from having one.

But then again, I choose to be against something I fear doing myself so I'm probably just as if not more pathetic. It's just easier, it's always just easier, to keep my feet dry than to dare dip it in something ambiguous that may bring about failure. I've been this half-assed coward for several years now. I find it hilarious that I am this way with my suicidality as well. Why haven't I immediately attempted another when the first four didn't work? Granted, it's probably fate. If I still desired to end my life but was hesitating bc of the probability of dealing with the expensive consequences of failing again, then all I need to go to a tall building and leap. Quite simple. Yet, that part of me that sees the sky blue possibility of being okay some day, becoming someone I can respect some day, holds me back to remain the vegetable that I am. I just sit at the shore as usual, doing the sad Libra, forever weighing life and death, never getting around to actually embodying either one.

I sure as hell hope that the pendulum's direction will change.. soon... so that at the end of 2009, I will be more grateful in my heart than careless and bitter as I am now. How terrible it is that I have so much, yet I don't act or feel like I am as fortunate as I truly am. Instead I feel spite, resentment, disgust, exhaustion, hopelessness, loneliness,... and then in the end, all ends in apathy. My life has so little value to me.

I've got quite a few things to buy tomorrow. Jocelyn's gift (?), Esther's card (3-4), Eclipse party outfit (- 40), toothbrush holder/cup (10), @jewel: swiffer, facewash, laundry detergent @ whole foods: peanut butter, olive oil, mixed veggies, broccoli florets, ... take coats to laundry, clean, etc.