in korea, there's this drink they call 'orange-ade'. bubbly orangey tasting lemonade- yummy! funny thing is, they stick three-four straws into the cup, assuming you want to 'share' with however many people that are accompanying you at the table. haha, only in korea...
when life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade. *yawn*
well, life can suck. you've run out of sugar, your brita filter definitely broked when the thing slipped through your grip as your drunkass stumbly self tried to pour yourself some agua after a night 'n morning of debauchery. well, there are options. Stolen Splenda a la Starbucks, check. flirt with the miserable indian guy that sells you rum and vodka, every freakin friday. (lol, good times) and take the free sprite back up to the apt... there, not just any lemonade but *sparkling* lemonade. [on a sidenote, cocktail soju recipe= 3 parts soju, 2 part juice/yogurt, 1 part sprite. that was one good that came out of the short stint at Nara. fucking Nara... ugh more on that later]
and making lemonade couldn't possibly be more difficult.
there were times not too long ago when i was so depressed, in such deep despair, that i couldn't think. even if i had an unopened bagful of sugar, i couldn't think to just open a new fucking bag. then there were times when i could see the options, but was scared to attempt any new mission bc of my fear of failure. surely, i would get run over by a senile old man on a tricycle right during the 30 second walk to starbucks. and then, there were times where i'd try something new and suddenly stop midway bc i felt like the carpet was being pulled underneath me. this is where i am now.
i haven't reached that chicken-out point yet, but i'm constantly on the lookout for it. i don't* want to get there, yet it does* feel like a "safe" from this game of tag.
on the other hand, i'm glad that i've moved forward, even if it's just a little bit. because from where i'm standing now, i can see that all that time i was curled up in bed praying for death was- a waste of time and energy. it was out of control, my control, any control... but this doesn't negate the valueless increment of time that i could have spent actually living the life i have, whether i like it or not.
----
i recently noticed a pattern/habit.
i think... i use guys as an excuse to stay alive. i think the part of me that mourns the loss of my faith in me clings to these guys that i date bc they buy me time. i can't jump off the bridge next week because he said he'd take me to the opera. i can't mortally cut myself at the end of the month because it's his bday the following weekend. yada yada. i mean they mean absolutely nothing to me.. i have people that i care about, deeply. yet it pisses me off how these futile flings actually keep me going /postponing my plans.
one of these guys- i revealed how dissatisfied i was. how i didn't believe i was worth living if i wasn't living for myself. he said to me, "yoon, but i think everybody lives for other people."
eh true, but there's a difference between having a sense of self and living on because one values the relationships, and having an absolutely disgusting sense of self and living on for the sake of the well being of another loved one.
man, this is what happens when i let my mind run- taking a brighter turn:
i came across someone who was saying that she'd make a horrible Fang Banger (from True Blood) bc she doesn't feel well after her blood's been drawn. a Fang Banger is a chick that bangs vampires and then lets him drain her blood. i couldn't help but allude to Cunt Voldemort!! LOL (but ew i felt dirty just typing that..) i mean he really did suck the life out of me afterward with his cruel, juvenile ways.
it was his birthday yesterday. i can't believe i had to refrain from wishing him a happy bday... wtf. i thought of psycho J and was able to stop. whew. i hope he did enjoy his day though, his parents are staying with him and that can't be too much fun, esp when they stay for longer than a week.
regarding David, i'm just not even going to think about it/how im going to break it off. > 2 weeks of no contact while obviously being on facebook: he should get the point. it shouldn't be a big deal anyway, we were just going on dates. he tried to get in my pants but i said NO SEX, so that's good.
when that Mr.Big (or Kim, or Lee, or Young, or Choi, or Hwang, or Kang, not Chung) comes, the first thing i'm going to do is give him an ass woopin for being tardy.
until then... what's a girl to do. gotta keep hoping peaches will grow from that fig tree in the backyard.
the end.
love, fruity <3
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