this is too much, oh my god. this 72-hour continuous mourning period, it's breaking people down one by one and my entire family is on the floor weeping..

and then i fainted in front of the dining hall in front of basically EVERYONE. my immediately family, my extended family, my dad's friends and business partners/people/clients who made up 80% of the visitors despite his having seven siblings, my nephews that i didn't even know i even had till yesterday, my sisters-in-law/b-i-l, priests, former priests, nuns that taught me when i was little, my asshole half-brother's now reformed former gang-clan friends/douchebags/pimps that used to buy me candy and dolls, holy shit the list goes on and on and on. i really thought i could pull through the whole stretch. i wanted to so direly... for my parents. for my aging dad who was exhausted and progressively more somber than the day before. god damnit. asshole picked me up off the floor and took me to the back room with my mom and my fav cousin, and there my mom starts crying like IM the one dying, crying this muffled, silent scary cry, "what are we doing to do with you, you're going to die if you don't get better, what am i going to do with you". man. i wished i really could die tight then and there; it was excruciating... i mean my poor mom, and then my disgusting half-bro, and then my poor cousin who's sitting there worried ab me, worried ab my mom who's clearly just as emotionally tired as she is physically... and me seeing the three of them staring down at me laying there with yet another lump on my head. OMG surreal, grotesque picture. another "i hate my life or what i've made of it" moment.

so i'm home, i wasn't supposed to be home till like 3 am to wash up and go back out at 6 to prep my grandpa's body for a five hour service at church and the final service after the cremation...

this is why i wish someone would beat me. i'm such a loser in too many aspects. as a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin, ... most importantly my own person. there's a clear image, an ideal that i want to be- yet i fail, every day i fail. fail fail fail. failure has become a part of my daily routine. i've lost so much of myself in the process of trying to rid of this chronic depression and eating disorder. i'm always busy trying to keep myself from slipping into suicidality that i literally don't have enough time to be the person that want to be, do the things i want to do for the people i love and for myself. to carry out the responsibilities of being this person who is loved by so many just because. yea, there's another way of looking at it.. but right now i don't have energy to look at things from a perspective that will bring positive reinforcement for the near and far future.

okay im gonna go to sleep for now.