im writing a paper for one of my classes while my parents visit the john hancock observatory. the sky's beautiful today, i hope they enjoy it...


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he keeps saying to me "what's wrong with us". every time he does, a smaller scale of fireworks go off inside of me. what the fuck does he mean, what's "wrong" with "us". i can't help but think that he's got too much time in his hands, bored with his internship, recovering from a breakup, unmotivated, dreamless though not hopeless. he lacks ambition and any kind of drive to stop sitting there and romanticizing himself and his potential love life. i don't get it.
on the other hand, i try- i really really try, every waking fucking day even though i start each morning hell fucking disappointed that i 'woke up' again like every other person, and TRY. i TRY not to walk into the el, i TRY not to punch that bitch talking about how thin i am in her fat face, i TRY to hang on and hold on to the string of hope. i actively try to live the best way i can each day... i fucking swear... i can't hold him against it because he obviously doesn't know jack shit ab me the way he thinks he does, but there's a vast fucking difference, thank you very much. there's is no "us" in this, the hell! there are too many things that i want to or wanted to do with my life, and there's no fucking way that i'm sad and stuck by choice. what the fUCK omg this is pissing me off.

then the other day, he asks me what he should do to "get more girls". first of all, that's a stupid fucking question for a guy his age at the stage in life he's in. i'm tolerant of different times and paths- only if he/she's actively living. second of all, he's asking ME this of all people- uhm, is he fucking thinking? who am i, think. WHO AM I. third of all, this is actually the whole point of my even writing ab this. when i give him a mediocre "you're fine as is just be patient" he goes "your turn, wanna hear what i think you should do?" without waiting for my answer, he takes the fine liberty to tell me that i should really "talk about (my) art more and stuff". "why, do you think i come off dense to your friends?" he confirmed, i got upset, and flustered, he tried way too hard to cover it up by saying that what he'd seen is limited. he merely wanted to share his prediction that guys would find that "art stuff" about me intriguing. ??? WHATTT???? so now i'm supposed to not only put on a show but do it 'well' by redeeming my lackluster self by talking about "art". because i'm not enough otherwise and come off dense??? i was so unbelievably offended. i wanted to tell him that his friends don't know how to carry on a fucking conversation when they're not intoxicated, and the conversation they have when they're drunk are bearable only because i am as well. his friends are literally intellectually stunted and closed off from the real world.

i guess i was as aggravated as i was because of my own insecurities but it's whatever. coincidentally larry called me to hang out last night and this in itself pulled me back to earth. he has a lot of positive energy, has now gotten to hang of living the right way, and thinks i'm "something"- i think i'll go with "something" than "dense" and not talk about art.

i thought i could be a mutual friend to him- maybe i cant... i think i'm realizing, unfortunately, that i don't have much respect for him. he seemed to need someone to lean emotionally, and i'm willing to do that for him if he needs because he's a good person. but more than that? i doubt i'm going to take him seriously, in all honesty. is this even the right thing to do anyway??