i've made a big mistake that involves a personal fantasy, compassion, and a mediocre cock on a mediocre guy.

but the only person i hurt in the process is myself- so i really don't understand this persecution directed from these specific people.

_________

i made it through last night.. god i made it through last night. i ended up calling mom at 5:30 because i didn't know what else to do. that sense of dread looming over me, and lying there in the darkness desperately trying to use my fucking "shrink muscles" to do the step by step cognitive process to get myself out of the doom, but i just got stuck.. i don't know, i couldn't do it this time. after several minutes of letting the hot tears roll down to each of my ears, i grew increasingly anxious and .. well DOOMED. it's the perfect word to describe it. doom. dread. despair. but mostly doom. i had to call someone or i was going to do something irrational. poor mom on the other end.. i could just see her clutching onto the phone in fear of my slipping again, wondering if i was "going there" again before the call and if i would "go there" again after the call. i don't think anyone would understand exactly what it feels like to be so painfully connected to his mother.

it's not even a matter of having faith or not anymore.

i'm clear on what life's supposed to feel like, how it's all just a long play- i have choices to make in ever scene, some scenes suck, some scenes are great, sometimes i realize im in a really depressing play to begin with with a shitty set of lines, and it's already written so there's nothing i can do about it. i just have to live out each scene and act as best i can and move on... and hope that somewhere along the way i'll find a goddamned point to the whole thing like true love and some contribution to society in some way like a cure to H1N1, harhar.

i know this stuff and really do believe it.

yet- 90% of the time that i am awake and 'living'- im in this limbo, asking myself "why am i bothering?" "oh right, because i know i can be normal. because everyone else who lives, lives in the same world as me- and they live it fine, so i need to get over myself." i literally examine me, and i really don't get why i'm stuck. i feel moderately capable, i don't have a fucking pizza face, i can be funny on good days, and i dress nice. rofl but seirously, i don't meet the criteria of a loser in general terms.

but in terms of... what my heart tells me, i'm the lowest, the grossest nastiest most despicable of losers who's not worth sharing oxygen with.