it was nice seeing c & j last night.. even though as soon as i walked in, J was screaming at some undeserving douche over the phone and i immediately proceeded to bitch loudly to poor C about some morons that continue to amaze me with their living on fine. every time i'm with them, and they ask me 'how i am' unless i'm right in the middle of that latest drama, i'm always "fine". i truly feel "fine" when it's around them and D. it's as though i'm removed from what's uniquely me, and only in the world where i exist with them as us. us? we're more than fine.. it's one of those smaller components that make up the whole that make life bearable.


i skipped my follow up appointment today. what's the point? i woke up in time, got ready and got readings done so i'd have time to chill out for a bit at starbucks, clean up the streaks on my face, and go straight to class. but... but just as i was leaving i suddenly got hot- what's the point of going to therapy when i have to choose my words carefully and hold back? what kills me the most inside- i can't share. liability issues, insurance, whatever. it's a catch-22: i want to speak up and out- i want someone to hear me out and not do anything- i just want someone to hear me out and understand me. yet, i can't do that bc surely, they'll flip out. on the other hand, i can't express myself to a stranger bc he won't understand me- how could he if he doesn't know me and doesn't have compassion for me?

all i really want is to be hit by a bus. i wonder what's preventing me from walking across the street right.now.